Category Archives: Life

For far too long, in the modern industrial age, with the sense of control over our environment, inputs and outputs, we mistake worry for work.

The time we spend worrying is actually time we’re spending trying to control something that is out of our control. Time invested in something that is within our control is called work. That’s where our most productive focus lies.

Seth Godin, The Practice

Even if we do not dwell on the issue of productivity, worrying strangely feels like work maybe because there is psychological labour involved. But this labour accomplishes nothing even as it afflicts the costs.

Recognising worry as something unnecessary isn’t really helpful because it hasn’t improved things much. Realising worrying changes nothing also seem to have very little impact on psychology. Better to focus on what is within our control, and to handle the work we have been given, to ponder over how to do the work, rather than think you’re working by worrying about those things you cannot control.

It’s amazing how inconveniences shapes us, our concerns and thinking more than we expect or imagine. For a while, we were all super concerned about the TraceTogether tracking app on our mobile phones and also having the token with us. And then because the pandemic continued and even worsened, when the government implemented mandatory use of it for ‘Safe-entry’ registrations into malls, people started using it. It was too difficult to challenge the regulations; and alternatives provided were too inconvenient.

Then comes vaccination. People had their concerns; and there were people thinking about which vaccine to take, and whether it was risky, etc. Well, I’d imagine there are many things we do such as crossing the road, driving a car, going to earthquake prone places which probably carries higher risks than getting vaccinated. But once regulations are such that vaccinated people have it easier when they enter places, participate in events because they either don’t have to be swabbed or if they allow the capacity of the events to be higher, than the practical thing to do is to get vaccinated.

Targeting the practical aspects of people works well. Especially when it is once-off and you just have to get it done and over with. Make the preferred alternative just slightly less inconvenient than the one you’re getting people to avoid, and you might just be able to get people to ‘do the right thing’.

I got 69 for Chinese and my classmate got 93, though I speak more fluent Mandarin than him. My school’s basketball team made the 3-point shot after the time-out whistle and “lost” the game 52-54. Winning and losing are meanings we attribute to different circumstances and situations we find ourselves in, whether set up initially as a game, competition or just merely events in life.

When we allow winning and losing to count for more than the process of learning, more than sportsmanship, more than character and values, we are missing the point. We are prizing outcomes above process. A question that demonstrates the absurdity of this attitude is that: “if life ends with death anyways then why does it matter how we live?” Of course it matters what happens between the starting point and the outcome. It matters how we win, and it matters also how we lose.

When we allow the winning or losing to mean more than the work we put in to attain the result. When we value the work we do based on the outcome we get, then we miss the point. And we miss the true value of what the process is for. A life lived like this will never get to truly enjoy the wins, nor truly learn and gain from the losses.

The reason why regret is so powerful is because it is a narrative we allow to take root in our minds. We construct this story of what could have been. And we label that turning point ‘if only’. It is a perfectly written story about an alternate reality which is completely within your control. It moves the way you want it; the central character (imaginary you) does not get into accidents nor do other misunderstandings or unlucky events befall on him/her. You can visualise it so clearly it is almost real.

Except it isn’t. None of that is even remotely close to what would have happened if you had made that different decision: whether it is having learnt piano when you were six, picked up tennis when you were 13 or having dated or married someone else, or gone on a different career and more. Your regret story would not feature the car accident that happened on the expressway, or the “fact” you have a different teenage child who got himself into drugs and gangs as opposed to being neurotic but intelligent.

Now compare it with the narrative you have about your life right now. What do you have? Is there any stories about you rising up to challenges, or going against the odds? Any reflections about the deep and meaningful friendships you had? Any considerations to how you come to appreciate the depth of your humanity or the fragility of life as your loved ones brushed against death? If we take more time to reflect and build the richer stories of our lives that we truly live. If we just consider more deeply what are the narratives we can construct based on the reality of our own lives, we can be more present, less FOMO, and less regretful of things.

So what is stopping you? Why are you still living with regrets?

When I was 16, one of my teachers called me to her office and told me that I wasn’t selected for a particular prestigious book prize. While my academic records were stellar, it would seem that my attendance records from 3 years ago for Chinese Calligraphy practice sessions was absymal – at least I didn’t hit the require threshold of turning up 75% of the time (or something like that, I don’t remember). That little blemish was the reason the book prize went to someone else instead.

Oh bother, I thought to myself. I actually had a 100% attendance record for Chinese Calligraphy practice that year but the system had made a mistake and claimed I did not attend some sessions. I didn’t think much of it nor did I consider it important so to avoid kicking up a fuss over the small matter, I let it slide. Too bad for me.

I told the teacher the truth of what happened and I could see she felt sorry for me. And she said there was nothing she could do – so she probably broke the news to me just to get some closure for herself. But I would say that this was perhaps an important juncture in my life where I realised that sometimes I just have to hustle and fight for myself a bit more. Letting others’ mis-impression or mistakes slide just won’t cut it.

What is fortunate, is that I did not allow my mind to dwell on the notions of ‘what if’ I got the book prize. I did not allow myself to build this perfect-life narrative of ‘if only’. That is really important because that is where regrets take root, and where they become such entrenched stories that we tell ourselves over and over again. And we might even convinced ourselves nothing we do going forward matters anymore because of that one misstep in the past.

Saw a video lately showing a guy pretending like he was stopping the metro trains when they arrive at the platform and acting like he was pushing them off when they were departing. The caption by the one who shared the video was that this is like what consultants do when they claim they are helping their clients. Being a consultant myself, I’m amused by the kind of reputation that consulting seem to have.

A fellow consultant friend expressed that the video made her question not just her work but how much contribution we actually have as we live our lives. And I pointed her to Leaf by Niggle, a short story by J R R Tolkien – which I first learnt from ‘Every Good Endeavour’, a book about work and faith by Timothy Keller. The short story by Tolkien reminds us that despite our best intentions, things in life may not always turn out the way we want it to but that what counts is the heart and spirit behind our work and the way we live our lives.

I’m always touched by how the story hints at the fact that our slogging in this world is often a function of the glimpse we have of God’s intention for the world that has fallen short because of sin. And yet, it is eventually not our slogging but God’s salvation and renewal of the world that brings into reality what He has given us a glimpse of.

We desperately want all that we do to count for something in this world but maybe there is sweeter liberation from the fact the world doesn’t have to count on an imperfect human such as me.

Been listening to the No Stupid Questions Podcast by Stephen Dubner (of Freakonomics fame) and Angela Duckworth (of ‘Grit’ fame); they make references to the ‘Fundamental Attribution Error’ first identified and studied by psychologist Lee Ross. Wikipedia’s entry uses the following description:

This effect has been described as “the tendency to believe that what people do reflects who they are”, that is, to overattribute their behaviors (what they do or say) to their personality and underattribute them to the situation or context. 

On reflection, a lot of us are actually aware of the problem not so much in ourselves but others; and so much so that we can become so conscious about curating ourselves, especially at work. We don’t want to appear stupid because we are actually aware that people over-attribute it to us; that we are stupid and ignorant not because of the circumstances because we fundamentally are so.

We could have chosen to respond differently; we could have opted to be gracious and kind towards others, to recognise that whatever happens could be just the individual in the situation rather than just that individual himself/herself. And in so doing, we also learn to be more forgiving of ourselves.

We could make choices that improves the world with our knowledge and awareness rather than the ones that makes us more self-conscious, and fearful.

It’s important to develop personal standards but these standards should probably not be about the outcome but about the process we want to subject ourselves to, even when there’s friction, inertia. It’s to cultivate commitment on the inputs side of things rather than the outcomes.

The challenge of an obsession with outcome, with things beyond our control, and wanting things to be perfect is that we use it as a form of procrastination. We adopt an all-or-nothing mindset.

The problem is not slipping up; the problem is thinking that if you can’t do something perfectly, then you shouldn’t do it at all.

James Clear, Atomic Habits

Schools often encourage that kind of thinking, and honestly, it pays to learn to embrace that friction – the rough edges of a challenge brushing against you, even breaking bits of your old self off. That’s the way we grow, and that’s the way we can even have a chance at being better.

Impact investing is really in vogue and moving more and more mainstream, even towards retail investors. There is a fundamental economic thesis in there: sustainability within the physical realm have to be honoured in order to sustain financially in long run.

Actually, for the longest time, capitalism did not force us into the dilemma of choosing between impact and returns. Development offers its returns, the uplift of millions out of poverty and creation of middle class did bring about greater prosperity overall.

But with greater concentration of wealth, and greater inequality, the interest of the overall society may not always align with the interest of those who holds the power to shape things. The emphasis on impact is welcomed; but I think that does not remove the occasional dichotomy that exists: that it might yield greater returns in the short run to keep the upper middle and middle class glued to their phones, sink into greater debts, than to offer clean water, and affordable power for those in the fringes.

So as we galvanise resources into this areas, let us not forget to deal with the other feedback loop that is still driving the world in the other direction.

Elitism is actually the belief that the society or a system should be led by an elite. It of course has some notions that a select group is superior to “the rest” and hence deserves and influence and authority they get. Now on what basis are they selected? There might be some prevailing perception and structures on what constitutes merit but ultimately, elitism can only go as far as the genuine contribution of the elite to society.

Genuine, consistent, generous, self-sacrificial contribution to the society should be the benchmark to ultimately determine if we should continue to someone to be considered an elite. Or whether we should continue to perpetuate elitism in our society.

Of course we can go on forever to argue what is good for the society and what constitutes contribution. But I think we should be clear about what we are all trying to serve and focus on that. When elitism just becomes snobbery, and when the class divide makes it difficult for leaders to truly listen, empathise and focus their attention on serving the needs of the masses, then we need a more nuanced approach to choosing leaders, and grooming elites.