Rant on Standards

This is a blog entry from a while back that reflects some teenage ambitions and angst at oneself for falling behind. The context is no longer clear even to the author but reflects the drive and intellectual passion of my youth. It is interesting however, to see a reference to God (with G in caps) even when I was not yet a Christian.

Lots of frustration tied up in my mind because of the sudden deviation of my standards from those of whom I have been pacing. This spells disaster because I am already not catching up with the rest of the world and a hell lot of people thinks I am doing well. Apparently the graph is beginning to taper, signaling that it seems God’s will to confine me within the narrow abilities that I now seem to possess. I seriously have not reached the limit yet, at least I believe that’s not my limit. I should convince myself that this is just a stalling time for another ‘great leap forward’ in the path. The worry is that this leap will not come in time to save me from the crisis I have plunged into starting from March. It is an absolute, steady decline in both performance and perseverance.

It is perhaps time for some sort of change, more commitment perhaps? Somehow there’s this limit to the proportion of effort I can force into academic activities. As long as my total effort put into my life is expanding, this academic nonsense will expand. So by taking up more commitments, I am just driving myself into some hyper-work mode that will eventually force me to work harder for everything. For now, it appears that I am not busy enough.

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